Let’s talk about anger.
Let’s talk about how angry and pissed one can get at the world, at life, at God, at fate, at any and all things because you’ve been dealt a lousy hand.
I see things differently now because of Jack.
I’ve seen his body wracked by seizures that were unstoppable no matter how many meds he got–seizures that got him life flighted and landed in ICU.
The world is going on around you and you want to SCREAM — Hey God! SOMEONE! ANYONE!
Look at this poor child and what he is going through!
STOP EVERYTHING and take care of it.
But it doesn’t stop.
The world goes on around you and somehow you slowly make YOUR way back into it. Standing in line at the grocery store. Brushing your teeth. Driving to work…..
You want to shake people by the shoulders……”look, you don’t need to get so pissed off that there are two more people in line at the express checkout! ITS NOT THAT IMPORTANT!”
I’ve held Jack while he has been in full blown status seizure, mindful of keeping him on the proper side, while his father tried to keep him with us, waiting for the ambulance to arrive.
I’ve been by his side in the ER while he is gone– keeping MY skin on HIS skin — trying to keep him tethered to us while doctors come in and out……asking more questions than giving answers- Jack’s father usually must guide them through the tried and true procedures. We carry a laminated sheet and a bag of empty med bottles just for this purpose…..
But back to the anger.
Yeah. I AM angry. I am pissed. I am indignant.
And it fuels me on.
To be a better person to those around me………Maybe others are dealing with similar issues and I cannot see it.
To give Jack the best life I possibly can…..to understand HIS world more rather than try to make him understand MINE.
To raise awareness of children like Jack to as many people as possible……..
To make compassion for ANY special needs brought to the forefront of our collective consciousness……
So yes. I get angry.
But then ……….
I see this:
Jack making noises like the lawn mower.
And it dissipates a little and I am reminded to
Stay in the moment.